I’m going to try and quit drinking. I’ve been drinking for ten years now and enough is enough. I want more in my life. I’m wasting my time drinking. I want change in my life. So here I begin.
It won’t be easy to cut down, but I haven’t drank for two weeks while I’ve been dealing with the psych ward which is a struggle. Somebody on the internet told me something. They said “wouldn’t it be nice to be the one to end that family curse” and I agree one hundred percent. I want to quit, more now than ever before.
Due to me being in hospital, the psychiatrist asked for all of my report cards from every year of school. I had not read these since they were presented to me after each year that I had finished a grade. I went through each report card summary/comment from each teacher and it was very interesting. In early development I was a very distracted child and preoccupied with various distractions around the classroom. I was not explicitly “naughty”, just distracted and lacking effort in some cases. Most of it was fairly positive. Until high school began. I saw a slow decline each year while in high school, especially over the age of fifteen. This is when I was really struggling/suffering from mental health and never told anyone. I thought I knew what I was doing at the time. I was certain that the things I went through at that age were the “feds”. This was around the time I was actively hacking without considering the consequences of my actions.
I had a good childhood regarding family/home life. I suppose it was a bit rough in the beginning as my younger brother whom my mother was still pregnant with had just lost his father. I would have been two years old at the time. I was definitely present in the aftermath of the a terrible situation. Mum made it work as best she could. My biological father really wasn’t around. He did take the time to come down to see me while this was all taking place for a short time. Having no father figure never really bothered me growing up. I sometimes thought about it and I would keep contact with him once a year via a phone call. He sent me a card on my seventh birthday. I don’t hate my father and would rekindle things without quarrel if I had the opportunity as family is important to me. However, as of now, it feels as though he wants little to do with me.
It was really interesting going through my schooling history and reading the comments/reports. I’m probably the same age now as the teachers when they wrote those reports. I have some discrepancies with one or two of the reports. I can see which teachers were solid and which ones were giving bad reports. Because it was so long ago I don’t know whether or not it was me that was the problem or them. If you have your report cards available at an older age you should definitely go through them.
I’m in hospital right now. I’ve got nothing to do in here. It looks like the hospital IT department have blocked VPNs. I’m considering getting hospital leave so I can go home and set up a VPN at my house so I can play RuneScape in hospital. RuneScape uses Cloudflare which blocks everything on the internet, probably even this hospital. I could use my phone internet but the game takes about 5 minutes to load, reminds me of 2006. Still playable though.
The hospital isn’t terrible, just super boring. They allowed me to have cords so I can finally use this laptop and charge my phone. It’s running MX Linux. I don’t know much about it but it does the job. It was either this or a Chrome tablet.
All I can do now is stay in hospital and try to get the help I need. That’s all I want to post regarding this situation as it’s fairly personal.
I reflect on my life and all I am left with is a brutality of horrible visions and events. It feels like I’ve been living with the devil. It has been a struggle. A struggle to sleep, a struggle to eat, a struggle to live. Something has dealt so much pain over the years.
Everything is fine now but that can change in an instant. Every time I tell myself that it’s over, it just starts back up again. I wonder a lot. I wonder why it’s happening. I wonder if wondering is apathy, or perhaps worse. Life is unfair. Almost like I’m talking to God. Call it what you want. The problem is that there no reason for it. My suffering is an injustice, if anyone were to ever see it, they would pray to God. I wrote a poem while I was in the midst of a behemoth event. Here’s a small part of it.
A man his whole life has himself stuck on a string,
I feel a little spider crawl across my skin,
My little spider, this fear is not the same thing,
Do you feel enough pain to feel him
I think about all that I have suffered and how relentless the prior experiences have been, there is no rest or sympathy, these forces do not relent. They’ve been such a huge distraction in my life. They’re the one thing I’ve grown to fear over time. The gripe I have with the entire catastrophe is that there is no reason, no lesson.
I’ve spent so long trying to achieve something in music. I’m looking at it all realizing that it was probably the only thing that kept my head on my shoulders all those years, not the music itself but the up-and-coming just hold on mothers’ spaghetti rapper survival framework. There’s got to be a reason; why not have the reason be envy. A green alien on an intergalactic space station on the other side of the moon plotting the demise of my artwork.
Regardless, it’s a serious problem. I’m worried about the future. The main thing that keeps me going is it won’t be like this in the future; this is what keeps me moving forward. It ends.
Piracy Reddit Megathread: A whole bunch of piracy resources. People say it’s the “Yellow Pages” of safe sailing on the internet. It is a massive, crowdsourced directory pinned at the top of subreddits like r/Piracy and r/PiratedGames. Because the internet is full of fake download buttons and malware, the community constantly maintains and updates this list with verified, safe websites, tools, and step-by-step guides.
Video Games
cs.rin.ru is a Russian piracy forum, it is Russian but has a large portion of English users. Be careful who you’re downloading from.
FitGirl Repacks: FitGirl is arguably the most famous name in game piracy. A “repack” is a video game that has been heavily compressed to make the file size as small as possible. For example, FitGirl might take a massive 150GB game and compress it down to a 40GB download.
DODI Repacks: DODI is FitGirl’s main friendly rival. DODI does the exact same thing—takes cracked games and compresses them—but with a different philosophy. DODI’s files aren’t compressed quite as tightly as FitGirl’s, meaning the initial download might be slightly larger, but the game installs much faster and puts less strain on your hardware. DODI is also highly popular for frequently releasing quick game updates and troubleshooting fixes.
Hypervisor Bypass (HVB): A software exploitation method where a custom, low-level virtualization layer (a type-1 hypervisor) is loaded at boot time beneath the host operating system. Operating at Ring -1 (Intel VMX Root mode), it actively intercepts system calls, hardware identifiers (CPUID), and cryptographically signed license tokens requested by anti-tamper DRM (like Denuvo). It dynamically emulates a valid, licensed system state, allowing the software to execute without modifying the game’s actual machine code. If you use virtualization do NOT use!
Streaming Movies
PopcornMovies is a website that lets you stream movies. I found it on the piracy reddit. That’s my main recommendation. Go on there and read it. Why pay $15 a month?
There’s a whole entry of different movie streaming websites which work well if you’ve got decent internet connection. The ones with the goat next to the URL name tends to be a better resource.
Conclusion
It’s easier to go on the r/piracy megathread and explore for yourself. There’s no need for a giant post about all of the niche things I found on their subreddit.
Spotify can be free. Don’t cancel the premium if you ever buy it, run Spotify in a browser while running an ad blocker.
I feel like the music industry is pushing you into sticking to a team like Apple Music or Spotify, Soundcloud Go. This “hack” to get free Spotify isn’t useful if you’re at a gym. Lets investigate a way of getting free music if you really are struggling. Here are some options I found exploring the web.
Spicytify: Command-line tool to customize the official Spotify client. Supports Windows, MacOS and Linux.
Psst: A fast Spotify client with a native GUI written in Rust, without Electron. Psst is still very early in development, lacking in features, stability, and general user experience. It’s fully cross-platform, supporting Windows, Linux, and macOS.
Spotube: A cross-platform extensible open-source music streaming platform.
These are all open-source options.
After some more digging I found the piracy mega thread on Reddit. This has a bunch of great URLs if you’re looking for some free music that you don’t want to pay for. I found Lucida on there.
yt-dlp is another great project that allows you to rip music from YouTube, just read the documentation beforehand.
There is way more on that Piracy reddit which has third party resources you can use for free entertainment.
You can go on eBay and search for “Norton antivirus”.
You can then get Norton for a cheap price for a year with all the perks. It’s a good VPN deal too although I find the Norton VPN a little too secure. It is also anti-piracy.
They actually aligned themselves with Avast antivirus software, they’re pretty much the same thing.
This is not a paid ad. I’m just showing it, I suppose I recommend it for how cheap it is and the perks you get from it.
It helps you update your software and offers a VPN.
It’s sometimes a little bit too secure. But that’s ok. I think for the small amount of six dollars this is worth it. You get a year to try it and see whether you want to continue using Norton.
If you purchase one of the eBay one-year trials with multiple devices associated with the package, you can get protection on your phone too which is a bonus. Norton is a well-known antivirus firm. The VPN was terrible in my opinion but that’s my perspective on things, it’s anti-internet, it’s allergic to everything, especially when I was online gaming.
I’ve removed my old music website for now. I’m going to focus on other stuff in my life. Here is my new Windows Server. I’m using my old PC as a server. So messy.
I was thinking about focusing on writing lyrics rather than just freestyling it without any prior preparation. Here is some of my old stuff from 2018.
I feel like writing about stuff will be good for me. Writing and reading are always good. I could host the old music website to a subdomain, or I could just upload music to posts.
I’ve used task scheduler to automatically renew the DNS details for my server. Annoying dynamic IP address.
